At the heart of a young adult asking the question, “Do I matter to anyone…?” is a hunger to be valued. Sadly, many children grow up in homes where they are constantly having to prove themselves. They give valiant efforts at a sport or at an instrument or on an exam, and no matter how hard they try it’s never enough. It’s the digs like:
- “…you could have done ______.”
- “…you should have considered _____.”
- “…why didn’t you think of _____?”
To be sure, there are times for constructive criticism, but what I’m talking about is the constant criticism that doesn’t value the person, but instead values their performance.
If this child makes it through high school not valued for who they are, then more often than not they’ll…
- Let fear keep them from daring greatly.
- Rebel against authority and spend their entire adulthood finding their value in things that amount to little or nothing.
It’s important to point out that…
- At the heart of some criticism is good desired for a person. There really are some people who are not malicious nor malevolent in their criticism, but are either too prideful to communicate the value of someone to them or unaware how to communicate someone’s value.
- It’s never too late to communicate to your child that they matter to you.
- You can start today to lay a foundation of communicating to the people in your sphere of influence that they matter to you.
What’s the way forward?
- At dinner or bedtime, ask your children questions like:
- “What did you learn today about yourself?”
- “What occupied your thoughts most of today?”
- “What is fear keeping you from starting or finishing?”
- “What are one or two things you’re thankful for?”
- “What are one or two things you’re struggling to overcome?”
- “Is everything ok in your heart?” Tell me more.
- Get comfortable at saying to your children no matter their age things like:
- “You matter to me.”
- “Your value isn’t in what you do, but in who you are.”
- “I’ve noticed _____ positive character trait about you.”
- “I love you…I’ll always love you…there’s nothing you could do or say that will ever take my love away.”
- “I’m sorry…please forgive me for ____.”
May God raise up a generation of men and women who know they matter…not for what they do, but for who they are.
“For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.”
Psalm 139:13-14
— December 6, 2019