Below is a brief synthesis from chapter 5 of Heath Lambert’s book titled, Finally Free. I have geared it toward a general framework for confessing sin, and I pray that as you read this summary you will be encouraged, inspired, but most importantly moved to a lifestyle of confession (agreeing with God) and repentance (turning away). May we, as Christians, walk in the power of the Christ, resolved to live for Him and for His glory!
“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Proverbs 28:13
Three foundation points:
1. It is important to confess sin because the Bible tells us that confession is the way we receive the promise of God’s mercy and blessing. This is not a command, but rather a promise. God’s Word graciously calls us to confess our sins because confessing is better than concealing. Like surgery, pain actually promotes healing. Confession is a mark of maturity and wisdom, because it is claiming a promise of God.
2. One kind of mercy that comes with confession is the blessing of openness and restoration in a relationship. Sin separates you from those you have sinned against, creating walls between you and those you love. In the Bible there are no take backs, do-overs, or repeats. Sin is not a misstep corrected by simple adjustments—rather it is through a process of confessing our sin that God allows us to make right what has been damaged and broken.
3. James tells us that “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble” James 4:6. Most people don’t want to confess their sin because of embarrassment or fear. Perhaps you’re thinking something along these lines, “I don’t want to put my loved one through a difficult ordeal. It would be wrong of me to inflict my troubles on those around me. Telling my spouse will just make matters worse. I can change my life privately without them needing to know.” But at the heart of it, there is likely a more selfish reason for not confessing your sin: you are loving yourself and your reputation more than you love God and others; you are proud. According to James, if you are loving yourself, you are proud and you will not receive God’s mercy. You will find God’s grace to change only when you humbly confess your sin—not just to God, but to all those you have wronged.
A Framework for Confessing Your Sin
Confession needs to be handled with care and much prayer. Why? We live in a culture that does not understand how to confess sin. There are many common and hurtful mistakes that people tend to make. Because your sin may come as a painful shock to those you have sinned against, it is important to consider beforehand how to confess your sin in the wisest way possible. Below are six guidelines to consider as you begin the process of healing through confession and repentance:
1. Confess Your Sin to All Who Have Been Touched by Your Sin.
The circle of your confession should be as broad as the circle of your sin. In other words, if you were to draw a circle around the people your sin touches, then you should confess to everyone in that circle. God stands at the center of the circle, since all sin is ultimately committed against Him (Psalm 51:4), but there are usually other people in the circle as well. You should confess to your spouse, since indulging in things like pornography are a blatant violation of the sexual fidelity promised in your marriage vows. You will also need to confess to any accountability partners, since your sin is a break in your relationship with these fellow believers who have partnered with your spiritual growth. You will also need to confess to anyone whose equipment, money, or space you used to commit your sin—if you used your neighbor’s computer, your friends money, etc., you should confess to them. This will not be easy, and prayer and pastoral counsel must guide you as you consider who to confess your sin to.
2. Do Not Confess Your Sin to Those Who Are Not Touched by Your Sin.
Given the first point, you might think it is safe to assume this guideline. It isn’t. Sometimes our guilt over sin can lead us to confession that is unwise or includes too many people out of a misplaced desire to “come clean” and “be real”. A story to illustrate this point is from a male college student confessing to a female college student that he had lustful fantasies about her. You always have to consider the other parties involvement in your sin. Confession is an effort to serve God and neighbor that is guided by the teaching of Scripture not by your own desires. Be sure that the people to whom you confess your sins are within the circle of those offended by your sin. This means that you need to be careful who you involve in the struggle against your sin. As you consider these first two principles, you will likely have many questions about whom to include in your confession. If you do, pray. Ask God for wisdom. Seek the wisdom of others, such as a pastor, a wise Christian friend, or another wise believer or mentor. Ask for help as you sort these things out.
3. Confess Your Sin with a Willingness to Accept the Consequences of Your Sin.
Marriages are ultimately stronger because of honest humble confession, but there will be bumps along the way. The initial shock from someone who has been hurt by your sin is usually hurt, anger, and confusion. There can be insecurities that arise from your loved one dealing with the sin, such as not feeling attractive. You should not respond to your loved one that you hurt with things like, “But I did the right thing! I confessed! And now you’re angry with me? Shouldn’t you be more gracious? More willing to forgive?” You must allow time for your loved one to process the confession and the situation. You should expect relational consequences, not all of which will be in just proportion to what you have done. Remember that we always sin against other sinners. Offering forgiveness can be just as hard as confessing sin.
The people we sin against know how to sin in response. A loved one may respond with emotional shock. Instead of reacting to their reaction, be prepared to stay calm and give them time for your confession to settle in. No matter their response, trust God to give you the grace to know how to handle it. Talk to the wise person (pastor or mentor) helping you, and figure out what to do together. After you resolve to confess, know that it’s not your job to figure out all the possibilities, plan for every contingency, and worry about all the potential responses. Your job is simply to be faithful and do the next right thing. Confess with a willingness to accept consequences and work towards long-term restoration.
4. Consider Confessing Your Sin with a Third Party Who Can Help with the Response.
There are usually many variables that are dealt with when confessing your sin to a loved one, and having a trusted person there can help you handle those variables. Also, when someone else is present it can keep you from backing out and not confessing. They can also provide encouragement to your loved one that you are truly seeking outside help and not handling things by yourself. Finally, a wise third party can help chart a path forward so both people know what to do after the confession. When you select the person who accompanies you, it is wise to choose a mature Christian whom the other person can respect and trust. An accountability partner isn’t necessarily the best choice. You might feel comfortable going with this person, but he or she might not be the best choice to inspire confidence and comfort with the person you are addressing. Talk it over, pray for wisdom, and make a thoughtful decision that will serve the process and the best interests of the person to whom you are confessing.
5. Confess Your Sin Thoroughly, but Not Necessarily Exhaustively.
There will be times when your loved one desires to know every single detail and the specifics of your sin, but you need to be careful in sharing every facet of your sin. For example, providing graphic details about the kind of porn you have been viewing or telling your spouse about some detailed fantasies can actually harm the restoration process. Vivid details, once lodged in the mind, are hard to extract. A person may feel that knowing such particulars will help, but it actually hurts.
At the same time, it is important to be forthright and thorough in your confession. Those to whom you confess need to know how serious your struggle with a particular sin is. They may need to know how frequent the struggle is—every day, every week, every month? They may need to know if you are in financial or legal trouble. Talk with your accountability partner about how to confess the details as thoroughly as possible while knowing that the person hearing your confession absolutely does not need to know exhaustive details about what you have looked at.
Putting a cap on the amount of information you are providing can be tricky to do. The person you are confessing to may view your restraint as a sign that you are being evasive and less than forthcoming. This is another reason why you should consider having a third party with you who can gently help the other person realize the prudence of a controlled confession. You will need to prayerfully consider this, and trust the Lord to lead you.
6. Confess Your Sin without Making Any Excuses for Your Sin.
You must not try to divert the blame on to the loved one you are confessing to. For example, saying something like, “If you had been more sexually active towards me, this wouldn’t have happened.” This kind of statement transfers the responsibility for your sin onto the other person. When you sin, you are the one responsible (Mark 7:21-23). Other people can sin against you, make your life difficult, and entice you to sin, buy they can never make you sin. When you sin it is always your fault, and you should never say or do anything to make it sound like the fault lies elsewhere.
Confession and Fear
I know that I am asking you to do something that is hard. As you consider taking this step toward freedom, it may feel like confessing a secret sin is one of the hardest things you have ever been asked to do. I know how overwhelming it can feel to consider confessing a serious sin and to be terrified that those you love will hate you for it. To overcome this fear, you must focus on two truths:
1. You must avoid living in fear and instead trust in God’s Word. As you confront the challenge of confessing your sin to others, you have a choice to make. Will you follow your fears and stay silent, or will you live by faith and confess? From your perspective, there will be many reasons to remain silent. You will think about preserving your shell of integrity, protecting your loved ones from harm, or sparing your relationships pain and heartache. God’s Word pierces through these confused, fearful, and selfish arguments with a bold and clear message: He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Will you find mercy, or will you know distress?
2. If you are to fight your fears and know the mercy of confession, you will find you can’t do it yourself. You need power. You need grace. The confession we have discussed must be covered in grace at the beginning of the process and at the end. In order to experience the grace that flows from confession of sin, you need the power that leads to confession. The power you needs that leads to your confession of sin is forgiving grace and transforming grace. You need to seek God’s forgiving grace for not confessing your sin, and you need God’s transforming grace to empower you to make your confession. When you receive God’s grace to make your confession to others, then you will receive God’s grace, which flows from that confession. Confession is bookended with grace. If you are tempted to follow your fears, confess those fears to Jesus. Ask Him for forgiving grace. Beseech God to give you His transforming grace that will empower you to confess your sin where it is essential to do so. Jesus loves you and He wants you to be free of the bonds of unconfessed sin. If you trust Him, He will meet you with kindness and give you what you need to be forgiven…and to change.
God help us!
— March 11, 2021