An open letter to my daughters and any single women seeking advice about marrying a Christian man:
As you consider yoking with a man in a covenant marriage, I humbly offer some thoughts. First, it’s important to point out that no man will have all or continue to have all these qualities listed below. The Lord Jesus is the only One able to fully satisfy you (or your spouse). He alone is the manna in the wilderness and the water from the rock. Your relationship with our Lord will sustain you as your spouse fails, disappoints, and does not meet your expectations. At the same time, however, you can honor your spouse with the gift of appreciation and honor…no matter his “actions,” for in so doing, you may “win them without a word” (1 Peter 3:1-6). God sees. Just like he saw Hagar, He sees you. He is El Roi—the God who sees—(Gen. 16:14-15). Rest in that promise of our God. He sees. Commit to your man through thick and thin.
Spiritual thoughts…
- Ensure he’s a Christian. If he’s a believer, then rest assured that the Holy Spirit will work on him to conform him to the image of Christ.
- Watch how he talks about the local church. He may have an authority issue if he’s one of those “we’re all Christians” guys, so we don’t need to attend and submit to a local church body. If so, that will bring challenges into your marriage.
- Watch how he talks about God’s Word. If he’s not submitted to it, then you’ll struggle. Look for a spiritual hunger to know God through His Word.
- Watch how and when he apologizes and if he can say the words to change the world: “I’m sorry.” Does he only apologize when he’s caught or convicted? These two are drastically different.
Practical thoughts…
- Kind—There needs to be tenderness in his words and actions. You’ll see this trait in his relationship with his mom (and sisters, if he has them). Also, you’ll see this in his humor, language, and touch. Is he easily angered? An angry type of man will bring havoc to your marriage.
- Gentle—You’ll want to see his physical strength under control. You’ll see this trait in how he deals with those weaker than him (children, elderly, etc.). This will also be the tone of voice, word choices, and how he deals with things outside his control.
- Consistent—Does he keep his word to his own hurt? Undoubtedly, there will be things he dreams about (many men like to dream), but that doesn’t mean he’s committing. Let him dream, but watch him once he gives his word to something. If he backs out after giving his word, that’s a red flag.
- Authority—How does he speak about his dad, boss, and pastor? Listen to how he yields and submits. If he’s rebellious, you’re in for a challenging ride.
- Humor—Is his humor appropriate? Can he laugh at himself? Does he get easily embarrassed? If he can’t take a joke or laugh at himself when he fails, then he’s likely a perfectionist. Those guys are hard to be around. They are brittle. Wait until kids come along…if he’s brittle, then you’ll be in for challenging conversations.
- Resolve—Does he have a line in the sand on issues? See what issues he’s willing to commit to?
- Friends—Who does he hang out with? Is he sought out for counsel? This matters.
- Conviction—Does he have a standard? What are his non-negotiables in life?
- Distracted—Does he play video games, binge on Netflix, or do other random hobbies and neglect his responsibilities? If so, he’s going to be full of excuses. Watch out for this.
- Humility—Can he stand down when it’s time and appropriate? Does he always have to get his way? If so, he’s taking his conviction too far unless it’s biblical. Watch how the bandwagons and hills he’s willing to die on. If he’s dying on trivial hills, then he’s struggling with humility.
- Authenticity—Is he one way in front of his friends and another in front of you and others? These guys are typically insecure and should be avoided. Watch how he acts in various situations.
- Listen—Does he care what others have to say even if the subject matter doesn’t interest him? If he doesn’t, then he’s struggling with too much pride. It could be narcism or something else. Watch for this.
- Responsible—If you hear him making excuses or placing blame for his lack of advancement [in anything], etc. Be careful; he may have a victim mentality. If he has a victim mentality, you will be miserable and probably move a lot.
- Critical Spirit—Watch how he talks about other people. If he’s consistently critical and puts himself in the top spot, right spot, or best light, and all others are idiots, be leery. He’s struggling with insecurity and will constantly need your affirmation. That will be exhausting.
This list is not complete, but it’s helpful. It’s not a legalistic measuring rod, but something to guide you. There is not a man on the planet who will meet these perfectly or entirely. So, here are my thoughts distilled down to key points:
- Ensure he loves the Lord and the Word, evidenced by investing in Church and regular devotions (prayer and reading God’s Word).
- You want him to be kind/gentle.
- You want to know what he cares about…his convictions about family, children, where to live, and education need to be understood at some point.
- You’ll want him to be able to say, “I’m sorry,” and mean it. He’ll need to be like David, who confesses and seeks forgiveness, reconciliation, and change (Psalms 32 and 51).
- Rest in God’s provision.
The man you marry won’t be the man you bury. You will likely outlive your spouse, and he will change (and so will you). If he’s a Christian, he’s indwelt by the Holy Spirit, which means that any true and lasting change comes not from you but God’s Spirit. Rest in God’s providence.
Finally, always remember whose and who you are…you are a daughter of the King (which means you are loved), and you are a new creation (which means you are a woman of dignity).
God is with you.
Live for the King and watch how He provides. It won’t be easy. Your spouse will let you down, but God will sustain you, and He will never let you down or let you go.
Now go, live your for your King…marry this man…trust God…be ready for disappointment at some level…but always remember the goodness and blessing of what drew you two together in the first place. That good man is still there…God is with him too.
I love you; I’ll always love you; there’s nothing you could ever do to take away my love…
Always…
I love you,
Daddy.